Learning to Love Me

Like a lot of little girls, I was raised on the princess ideal.  For a long time (possibly until this year), I thought that eventually the perfect Prince would come and sweep me off my feet.  We’d live happily ever after, of course.  But, I’ve ended up wondering if I can sit around waiting or if I should find a way to make my own happy ending.

           

A few weeks ago, I met up with my college roommate.  While we both at one time could have been voted “Most Likely to Be a Disney Princess,” we are both living seemingly the opposite life that we had envisioned.  At almost 30, she is an Officer in the Army, living as a high ranking woman in a man’s world, while I am living with my parents, working a part-time job with a Masters degree.  And though we surely have a lot to be thankful for, we found ourselves in a discussion about family.  As if she was viewing a window into my soul, she said, “I just can’t believe where I’m at right now.  I thought I’d have a couple kids by now.”  While I emphatically nodded my tiara-less head, I wondered if these dreams had been holding us back from appreciating and experiencing life.

I’ve often thought about writing a book about dating and challenging myself.  In said book, I would go out on one date a week.  I’d learn all kinds of things about myself, and in the end, I’d be happy with my own life and also, find the man of my dreams.  But, this diary won’t be about that for two reasons.  For one, I’m realizing that I’ve been trying that method all along and I don’t seem to be any happier AND I’m still alone.  And also, I’m in the driest dry spell of my life and I’m not sure I could come up with a date in the next SIX MONTHS, let alone in the next week.

           

So instead, I’d like to use this project to NOT make dating a priority in the next year.  However, in all honesty, I’m no Mother Theresa (although I hope to be closer by the end of this journey!), so I can make no promises that I will exercise self-control and turn down any man that crosses my path.  You can all hope that fate smiles (frowns?) upon this mission, and no man comes along this year.  (And hey, so maybe I’m not hoping for the same thing, but I just decided TODAY that this path was necessary, and I’m still not entirely sure I want to commit to being alone until the big 3-0 birthday!)

I turned 29 about a month ago, and while my birthday is usually met with a wave of anxiety and depression at not being where I thought I’d be at said age, this year was different.  I had decided a few weeks before my birthday that this year, I’d make my own rules.  Charge forward with this project in the spirit of adventure and discovery.  I quickly realized that I had no real financial backing for this project, so the rhinoceros charge towards life that I had imagined would be more like an antelope’s first steps after birth, but still, I was excited.

I’ve spent the majority of the past 29 years alone, but I guess that shouldn’t be a big surprise considering I was a child for most of it.  It seems a little more unique that here, at 29 years old, I am still alone, when just about everyone I know is settled down, or beginning to settle down with their “person.” (So yes, friends, I endorse and support your current relationships, you’re welcome.)  This plan all began because I am alone, but as I told my friends excitedly about my plans, I realized I wasn’t truly alone.  Many of you have jumped aboard hoping to experience some of my small adventures with me.  Even when I am down about feeling “alone,” I know that I am truly blessed to have my family and friends there for me.  Please remember that if my bitter, snarky side shines through in this journal.

So, while everyone I currently know is busy enjoying their lives with their boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/partner, I will spend this year learning how to really love me.  I will challenge myself in some small way and share my thoughts here.  You may not find every challenge or adventure to be particularly brave of me, but I think it’s at least mildly brave to go against the grain of every fairy tale perpetually reinforced by our society and my overactive romantic brain.  I also pledge to provide evidence in the form of lengthy descriptions or pictures where appropriate, when my adventures crash and burn in embarrassing and funny ways.  Based on my 29 years thus far, this should be promising enough for you to stay tuned.

           

So here we go… on the road to self-actualization and self-love, all before my 30^th birthday.  Suggestions for more challenges welcome….